Wise Words, Waluigi
by Mr Wang 330
Summary: Desperate to win the affections of a Princess, Luigi must now begrudgingly accept the advice given to him by his sinister rival, Waluigi... Only sheer dumb luck can save him now.


**Hey guys, it's me, the one and only, Mr. Wang! I'm here to bring you something a bit different, but nontheless the same old stuff that you guys here on the Mario archive know and love me for. So, perhaps away from some of the dramatic romance, is a bit of humor to spice things up. And I assure all of you guys, who happen to be readers of my other stories such as Tango Tanglers, I am indeed still working on that stuff... So, as a final note, I normally try to make my stuff kid-friendly save for some few times, so I'll note that this story _will_ contain some innuendo and crude themes in the future. Nothing too bad though, but just a T-rating just in case. But now then, onto the story, and I hope you enjoy.**

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><p>Luigi sighed, as he looked over the balcony that granted the view of the grand dining room, at Peach's luxury cruiser.<p>

The green plumber leaned against the golden railings, watching the girl of his dreams sit by and chat with her friends, while he was left out of the party, once again. Of course Mario was there, and Luigi wasn't; he was always the easily forgettable. Heck, whoever was the person that sent out the invitations to take a trip on this ocean liner, it was addressed to _Mario's Brother._ It annoyed Luigi to no end, and he only bothered to come at the insistence of his brother.

And yet, there was probably only one thing, or person rather, that made this trip seem even remotely worthwhile. And whether or not simply _seeing her_ was a blessing or torture was beyond him. But, all the hopeless man could do was gaze at the girl in the dining room below...

There she was, in plain sight... Princess Daisy, in all her perfection... with her beautiful, flowing auburn hair, that fair white skin of hers... and her pair of big... beautiful...

"Enjoying the scenery there, Pipsqueek?"

Luigi practically jumped in his spot, his face growing slightly red as he immediately looked away from Daisy to try and confront whoever said that. Sure enough, he met up with one of the people he'd wanted to see _the least_ in this scenario_. _

"W... Waluigi...?" the green plumber stuttered in disbelief.

With a twirl of that crooked mustache of his, the purple-garbed man nodded his head positively.

"Yep! In the flesh!" he greeted, with a bit of a mocking bow towards his rival. "And speaking of which, I bet you were looking over at Miss Flower Power over there, weren't ya?"

Waluigi leaned up against the golden railings alongside Luigi, also taking a glance to 'enjoy the scenery.' Luigi himself was more or less still in shock at seeing the guy even here, but now his mind was focused on trying to stutter out any sort of denial towards his looking at Daisy.

"I... I was _not_!"

The twig-thin man grinned a bit, as he glanced back over at the auburn princess.

"Oh, really? This sure as heck ain't the first time I've caught ya, and... Well, something tells me you were so intent on looking at some particular feature of her... some pair of... something big... beautiful... round, maybe? Looks to me like you were starin' at her-"

"Okay, okay! I admit it, I was looking into that pair of big beautiful eyes, but I can't help myself! I'm just... Well she's the prettiest girl I've ever seen, okay? And we've hung out so many times, and... I think I might even have a chance with her, or... or something! But I get so nervous just thinking about her, I... I...!"

Waluigi paused for a moment to contrast his own presumptions with Luigi's explanation.

"Erm... yeah... _sure_ you were staring at her eyes... maybe look a bit lower next time..." the purple plumber muttered beneath his breath. But as he took a moment to inhale everything else that the plumber explained, he tried pondering on Luigi's dilemma.

"But you think you've got a chance with her? You_ do _realize with you being the nervous wreck that you are now, you don't have a _Boo's _chance of winning her over?"

Luigi hung his head slightly lower, shrugging his shoulders.

"Eh, you don't think I already know that?"

The green plumber glanced over the balcony railing, just one more time, giving a longing look towards a blissfully unaware Daisy, as he headed off towards wherever his feet would carry him. Frowning somewhat, Waluigi followed his rival some ways, attempting to catch up with him.

"What, so you're just gonna give up now?" he called out. "You _are_ a wimp!"

Luigi turned around to confront the twig-man.

"Listen, I... I don't know what to do! I'm... I'm no good at this stuff, I even ask Mario for help sometimes, but whatever he said doesn't really help me out at all..."

"Well... maybe you need someone who _really _knows the ladies... someone like _me_."

The younger Mario brother opened his eyes wide, as if in disbelief. He almost looked like he wanted to suppress laughter of all things. However, he kept it to himself, as he more or less tried to keep his polite demeanor up.

"You... you know things about women? _You_ of all people? I... I don't know what to say, I mean... I haven't seen you with any girls around you, lately..."

Waluigi shrugged.

"Yeah, well, most of the ones I meet are just playin' hard to get. But my knowledge works, trust me."

"Trust? Uh... _yeah right._"

Normally, comments like that would usually make Waluigi feel indifferent, but hearing that from Luigi of all people made it come off as a bit cold. But with a bit of feigned offense, Waluigi kept up his ruse.

"Why, you hurt me with your unkind words... you _twerp_," the purple plumber said as he continued to follow his green counterpart throughout the ocean cruiser. "You don't ask for a lot of relationship advice, do ya?"

Luigi shrugged his shoulders in response.

"Well, whenever I ask Mario, he just tells me to 'Follow my heart', really. I... don't think philosophy would really help me win over a girl though..."

"Meh, philosophy, shmilosophy, you don't need him. Me? I _know _how the ladies work..."

Luigi stopped in his tracks again, to give another weird look towards Waluigi. He felt like asking just what the heck this rather sneaky guy knew about girls, but he paused for a moment when something else dawned upon him.

"Hey, Waluigi... not to change the subject or anything, but... _how _did you even get on this ship? I don't think Princess Peach sent you an invitation... did she...?"

Waluigi shrugged, but quickly did about a pose and placed a hand on his chest, him looking rather proud of himself.

"Hey, I'm a stowaway, plain and simple. And to reaffirm my other point: I'm good with the ladies. And ladies _dig_ stowaways. I watched it in a movie once. Gotta watch out for pesky icebergs though."

The Mario brother cocked his head slightly, scratching his head in confusion. He decided to simply keep trying to ignore Waluigi as he continued heading off towards the unknown.

The purpled garbed fellow continued to have that frown on his face, as he finally slowed himself to a halt.

"Fine, whatever. Go ahead and be single, it's no skin off my bones... and I barely have any left, anyway..."

Luigi paused again, before turning on his heel and going back towards his rival, albeit begrudgingly.

"Wait, wait... listen... you can actually give... real _advice_ on... on how to get in a relationship with Daisy?"

"Oh, not so keen on givin' me the cold shoulder, eh Spaghetti-Breath?"

The green plumber felt annoyed, though he knew he felt desperate enough at this point to at least hear what Waluigi had to say for him.

"I still don't like you... but at this point, what do I have to lose, I guess?"

In the end, even if Waluigi's advice wasn't worth the shell off a Koopa, then at least Luigi would still be in the same spot that he was in now.

"Alright, thatta boy!" Waluigi exclaimed, giving his rival a hard pat on the back. "Right now, you may be a loser, and you're probably as charming as a Goomba, but I'll make a man out of you, yet!"

In all honesty, the adjectives and metaphors that Waluigi was using to describe him left quite a few things to be desired, but at this moment, Luigi at least felt somewhat uplifted. The reasoning behind why Waluigi would help in this dilemma was beyond him, but at this moment, he didn't really bother asking why.

"Okay, okay..." Luigi murmured. "So, what do we do first?"

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><p>Some time later, Luigi and Waluigi were hiding beneath a dining table draped in a white cloth, trying to plan out their next move.<p>

With a pair of binoculars, the purple plumber was scouting out the dining room for Princess Daisy, while Luigi went over the different lessons and words of wisdom that Waluigi had imparted on him.

As his eyes darted from place to place, looking over at table to table, seat to seat (and ignoring the people who might've been staring at a head peeping out from under a table in the first place), Waluigi was filled with a bit of excitement as he saw Princess Daisy drinking a glass of punch over at the bar area.

"Ah, perfect! She's at the bar! Now's your chance, Shrimp. We'll see if any of those words of mine got through to you in that thick skull of yours!" Waluigi said, pulling his head back under the table.

"I... I dunno, Waluigi... I mean, me going over and talking to her? I mean, isn't it... too soon for that, or something?"

"Oh, come on, Weegee!" the purple plumber exclaimed. "You gotta smooooth-talk her. This is _supposed _to break the ice! And trust me, this stuff is all fool-proof, believe me. A one-eyed Pianta could get some ladies if he tried hard enough with my advice. Now be quiet, and go over what I went through with you!"

Luigi nodded his head, ignoring the fact that Waluigi told him to explain and keep quiet at the same time. Going over through the things in his head, Luigi nodded as he recollected.

"Okay, okay... first off, I gotta greet her, right?"

"Yeah, but don't come off as too nerdy or anything. But be smooth and suave about it, you hear? In fact, since she's at the bar, go ahead and buy her a drink..."

"Okay, okay... cool," Luigi sighed. "Then that's when I start to... compliment her...? But what do I compliment her on?"

"Well, that's _your _problem, but since this is your first time, I guess I'll give you a pointer..." Waluigi said, thoughtfully placing a hand on his pointy chin. "Hmm... well, how's about you comment on what a nice pair she's got, _if you know what I mean..._"

The twig-thin man gave a couple of sharp nudges to Luigi with his shoulder, before laughing. Luigi was also laughing, but he didn't quite get the joke, or what 'pair' Waluigi was meaning... He was at least trying to give Waluigi the impression he knew what he was doing. But Luigi knew that time must've been running short by now, and there was no time to ask that now.

"Okay, okay, what next?" Luigi asked.

"Well, next up, tell a few things about yourself. Now, I know you're always the guy in your brother's shadow, the _Player 2 _so to speak,so if you're honest about yourself, she'll think you're a loser. But don't be afraid to... just give a little white lie here and there, to make yourself look good. But nothing too outrageous or anything, because we don't wanna get caught. And even in the moments that _are _real, don't be afraid to just add a few fancy words here and there to make yourself sound even greater. Capiche?"

That bit of advice made Luigi feel awful, but nonetheless, it did make _some _sense. The meek mustached man nodded his head towards Waluigi.

"Yes, I get it... and, what as the last thing you told me to do?"

"Okay, as the guy, you gotta be a bit more _assertive. _You have to take _initiative_. Don't take no for an answer! Make it seem like if you want to do something, she _better_ do it! If you wanna go somewhere, _she goes too._ Women like guys who are confident. If you're not confident, then a woman won't even listen to you! You're a man! _Be a man!_"

Luigi was starting to get a bit fired up, and he did his best attempt to try and do a mean-looking face, to try and fit the _man_ criteria.

"Alright! It's-a Luigi time!"

Honestly though, Luigi was still questioning whether or not Waluigi's advice would work. On some levels, it did make sense. On others, they seemed a bit rude. And there were times where Luigi couldn't really understand Waluigi at all. But at least now, he felt like he might get a step forward if he at least _talks _to her.

With that, Luigi crawled out from under the table, and headed off towards the bar, with Waluigi's advice still fresh in his mind. The purple plumber kept his head stuck out from the table, still surveying Luigi's gestures and activities as he observed how he went over to Daisy.

As he approached the bar, Princess Daisy was still there, and almost gratuitously timed, she finished her drink. Now was his chance to make his first move.

"Oh, uh, Bartender! A couple Mushroom Martinis for me and this... lovely lady here!"

Luigi fumbled a bit when he thought of saying, 'lovely lady', though he thought it worked out decent enough in the end. The Koopa bartender nodded his head as he went over to make the drinks. Turning over a bit on the bar stool, Luigi faced the auburn princess, and met eye contact with her. Doing his best to try and keep cool and remember Waluigi's teachings, he smiled slightly as he greeted her.

"Why hello, Daisy..." he said, his voice slightly deeper, and his accent exaggerated a bit.

Daisy in turn smiled back, suppressing a bit of a giggle as she greeted him back. Luigi was inclined to panic under normal circumstances, to try and see whether or not that laugh was _with him_, or _at him. _Nontheless, he had to try and stay "normal," or what a woman would see as "normal," as Waluigi put it.

"Hey, Luigi... good to see you again. I've kinda been wondering where you've been this whole trip."

The green plumber took a few seconds to think about a believable, but_ 'manly' _excuse for his absence.

"Oh, yeah, I've been off working out at the gym and stuff, doing exercises, practicing for sports, and stuff... Later on, I just thought I could... relax here or something. But I'm kinda surprised and glad to see you too, Daisy," he replied. He took care trying to still speak in that voice of his.

"Cool, there's a gym on this ship? Where is it?"

Luigi paused as he considered that question. To be honest, he didn't know where the gym was on the ship. In fact, he didn't even know if this ship _had _a gym, it was mostly an excuse he made up.

"Eh, hehe..." he stammered. He didn't bother to keep up character. "We'll talk about that later, I just kinda got back from the gym, anyway, I came here to chill out. I don't wanna think about it anyway."

"Oh, okay. Kinda explains why you're sweating, I guess," Daisy commented.

The Mario Bro. took a moment to realize that he _was _indeed sweating... well, he _was_ nervous, but at least his excuse ironically ended up saving him this time.

A moment later, Luigi was relieved to see that the bartender came back with the drinks, as he felt almost like he was saved by the bell. Taking one of the martinis, and Daisy taking the other glass for herself, they both tipped each other's glasses to each other before taking a sip.

It was then and there, that Luigi recalled another bit of Waluigi's advice...

_Hmm... well, how's about you comment on what a nice pair she's got, if you know what I mean..._

Luigi pondered on what "pair" Waluigi was talking about, but that's when he started recollecting the moments that proceeded after the purple guy managed to catch him starting into that pair of Daisy's _eyes_. So that _had _to be what Waluigi was talking about... at least Luigi thought so. And it seemed like a pretty good idea, too... And after all, those big beautifully blue eyes of hers _did _deserve come praise...

The green plumber snapped back into reality, as he saw Daisy cock her head slightly.

"What're you staring at, Luigi?"

"Oh, uh... I was just... kinda distracted by how... pretty your eyes were," he sputtered out. As soon as those words left his mouth, he almost wanted to kick himself at how cheesy that line was.

The princess looked over at Luigi, her own speech mute for a moment. Her eyes were also a bit wide in surprise. But as the seconds passed, her expression changed to that of a warm smile.

"Aw, that's very sweet of you, Luigi."

In his head, Luigi blew out a sigh of relief that the line worked well enough if at the very least, convinced Daisy to humor him in response.

It was a few moments of passing, and after a while, Luigi and Daisy finished their drinks.

"Phew... Well, that was good..." Daisy said, downing the glass. "Sooo... you wanna go just stop off by the lounge or something, and hang out?"

In that moment, another bit of Waluigi's advice kicked into Luigi's head...

_You have to take initiative. Don't take no for an answer! Make it seem like if you want to do something, she better do it! If you wanna go somewhere, she goes too. Women like guys who are confident. _

"No!" Luigi randomly exclaimed.

There was an awkward silence as Daisy and Luigi looked at each other. It just then occurred to Luigi as how rude he must've been.

"What?" she asked quizzically.

Now realizing he just probably backed himself in a corner, the plumber was desperately trying to figure an excuse of a way out.

"Well... I mean, um... how's about we go off and play... tennis or something, instead?"

The princess looked at Luigi with a bit of surprise on his face. She then immediately perked up with interest, a smile on her face.

"There's a tennis court on this ship?"

Thankfully, at least Luigi knew how to answer _that _question.

"Uh, yeah, there is! I can go and show you over there, if you like!"

"Huh... I'm not sure, I mean I know there was some other stuff here on this ship that I thought was interesting-"

"I won't take no for an answer!" Luigi said enthusiastically, feeling a bit more confident in himself. He was still slightly paranoid on whether or not that also came off as rude, but he came this far. He didn't think it'd all blow up in his face now.

But before his suspicions could get to him, he felt his wrist being tugged on, as he was guided out of the bar.

"You know what? You're right, Luigi! Sounds like a plan!" Daisy said happily, as she lead the way. Luigi conversely was trying catch up and speed up, so that he wasn't the one following. He _was_ the one who actually knew where the tennis courts were at, after all.

After managing to fix his footing and actually finding himself leading instead, Luigi glanced back over at the table where he and Waluigi were planning. The thin man could be seen flashing a thumbs up his way, and the green plumber returned the gesture.

_Wow... his advice actually **worked**? I'll have to ask him more stuff in the future. Wise words, Waluigi... Wise words...  
><em>

Luigi smiled as he guided Daisy off to the tennis courts, his mind having nothing but good things for the future.

Meanwhile, as Waluigi got out from under the tables, the purple plumber dusted off his gloved hands as he laughed.

"Well now, we've got a long way to go... But looks like I'll make a man out of him, yet. Or he'll fail miserably. Either way, looks like it might be fun!"


End file.
